Back to Reality: Witches and Walruses

The Dark Lord Demand Juicy Fruit and Attenborough reminds humans that humans are the worst.

Over the past few months I have been by rigorously preparing for my panels at Phoenix Fan Fusion; and by “rigorously working”, I mean my TV has been a nonstop stream of 90’s cartoons and Doom Patrol (I’m not doing a panel about Doom Patrol, it’s just a really great show).

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right… it was incredibly rough.

Anyway, after months of nonstop cartoons, I forgot what the live action world was like. Now sure, I COULD have totally gone outside, took in some fresh air, maybe even got some exercise. The only problem with that plan is the sun is out there, and Arizona sun is an angry and vengeful sun. Instead I did something much more productive with my time, I watched The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and nature documentaries (nailed it).

Now I haven’t finished Sabrina yet, but so far I am a fan of Part 2. Hilda is the best and I really want her to be my aunt. Michelle Gomez as Lilith is incredible and it only makes me want to see her return as Missy in Doctor Who even more! But the thing that struck me most in these new episodes is that they reinforced a know fact of the world that I learned as a young boy in Sunday school… The Dark Lord DOES NOT F&#^ around when it comes to his Juicy Fruit (I went to a weird Sunday school… lets just move past it).

***SPOILER!*** The Devil asks Sabrina for a favor (if this is a spoiler, I’m not sure you understand what this show is about. Maybe switch over to Bob Ross. I’ll join you after I’m done writing this), and she must steal… a pack of gum!

Now again, I know what you’re thinking and this time, I’m sorry but you are incorrect. The Dark Lord can’t just go get it himself. Think about it for just a second. He has no pockets… where do you think he keeps his money? I mean, he is also a giant bipedal Goat-man who can speak into your soul, but it’s mainly the pocket thing.

Sabrina foolishly think she can defy his wishes and makes him walk the Earth with a sever case of halitosis. All he wants to show Lilith his true passion; but not even the Dark Lord could subject another creature to the power of his morning breath without some Double Mint goodness. But Sabrina, the rebel that she is, just doesn’t care.

The Dark Lord puts the scariest bookies to shame when it comes to collecting his on debts. He’s not going to break your knee caps, because it way harder to steal gum when you’re army crawling in and out of the store. No, no, he thinks bigger. He stays on your back, quite literally. He makes you look like you just had an appointment with Yogi Bear lmt. When that doesn’t work, the Dark Lord will cast you in the school play… as an understudy!!! (he’ll also make you go all Scottish Play on fellow actor, but it’s the understudy part that stings like alcohol on a fresh boo boo.) If all that fails, he will take the nuclear option. The King of the Damned will make your “first time” even more awkward than it was already going to be! 

The thing that most people don’t understand is that the only gum they sell in Hell is Fruit Stripe. THEY DON’T EVEN LET YOU KEEP THE TATTOOS! WHAT’S THE POINT?! 2.5 SECONDS OF FLAVOR FOLLOWED BY AN ETERNITY TMJ?! You can understand the Dark Lord’s desperation for some Big Red (pun not intended but accepted).

Unfortunately, Sabrina was forced to learn a very big lesson from the Old Testament, and that is if you deny Satan of fresh breath, you will be forced to burn your school down and ruin the Sweetheart Dance (Shipka 2:2).

On my quest to reconnect with the live action world, I moved my attention to nature documentaries. Netflix introduced yet another ground breaking original series this month; BBC’s Planet Earth 3. Wait… that’s not right. Sorry. It’s Our Planet.

SIDE NOTE: I know the Walrus scene is hard to watch. I get it. But there is one thing we all need to remember when watching nature documentaries. NATURE IS TERRIFYING!!! Also… it’s probably our fault.

Speaking of “our fault”, David Attenborough narrates this incredible series (because of course).

Were you aware that humans are the worst? Because we totally are. If you weren’t aware of this fact, no worries! All you need to do is watch the last 10 minutes of ANY episode! (You’re welcome)

I’m not going to get into all the reason’s why we are the worst, because we’ll be flirting with this article getting super preachy (and mildly hypocritical). What I will say is this: Humans please be better. Just… be better.

Now again, I know what you’re thinking, and I agree; this article was thought provoking and worth every second of your time.

Until next time, stay nerdy and weird!